The trap is always the same:
“Do what THEY expect of me, OR …do what I want to do.”
Actions have consequences.
The second option sounds empowering, but there’s a reason why we often stick with the first.
Wedding planning is overwhelming even without balancing the people-pleasing side of things.
Here’s the truth,
We do what THEY expect us to do because THEY matter to us.
Which is why this isn’t some black and white issue.
But don’t worry I’m not going to give you some lazy “it depends” advice.
(even though that’s the frustrating answer to almost everything…)
I’m going to give you a 3 step framework for planning a better wedding day.
I’ve attended, DJ’d, MC’d and Photographed collectively over 100 weddings at this point. And a big part of that involves wedding planning conversations with couples.
With my experience comes a unique perspective. I see things they don’t.
For example:
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For the first dance, most couples don’t feel confident dancing for a full 3 minute song. Or they don’t want to be in the spotlight for too long.
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The first solution is to cut the song short, and transition into another formality.
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The better solution is to have the first dance as the final formality. Have all the guests surrounding the dancefloor ready to join in. After about one minute into the song, or once the couple have had there moment, invite the guests to join in. In my experience it’s better to involve your guests in the experience, not sideline them. It’s less awkward and is a natural transition to an open dancefloor.
It’s worth noting that as a DJ, this is a bit of a selfish trick: I’m guaranteeing that I start with a full dance-floor. That way all I have to do is keep them on there, not worry about luring them in.
DJing 101 – never let your dance-floor run completely dry. Starting from zero is very hard. Lubrication helps, but making dancing the “normal thing” in that moment is the key.
Wedding Planning Conversations Have Taught Me Two Things:
1. There’s always compromises made …BUT sometimes it’s better to break the mould and just do what you want.
Consider this:
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What you want matters
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What your partner wants matters
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What your family wants matters
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What your guests want matters
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What your tradition, culture and religion wants matters
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What your vendors and venue want
At the end of the day, you decide the hierarchy for where all those opinions and ideas sit…
But when making your decisions be at peace with who you may be letting down.
“Do what THEY expect of us, OR …do what WE want to do.”
A lot of people don’t like intense Drum & Bass music:
– It can clear a dancefloor
– Boomers storm off in disapproval
– Karen goes to have words with the DJ
At the same time:
– Freddy takes his shirt off and starts jumping up and down with his mates.
– The groom is up in the air
– The crowd goes wild
At the end of the day, the boomers and Karen still remember how much fun those friends had when that song came on.
If you stick with Dancing Queen, Footloose, Macarena they will all work …however it’s a 5/10 or a 7/10 at best for everyone. But I guarantee you’ll never have a moment like that.
See it’s not about playing Drum & Bass per se it’s about finding what resonates with you AND your guests. Or make it all about you and your partner.
You want unique moments, a little bit of crazy, and something for people to talk about the next morning.
2. In trying to keep everyone else happy – play it safe – not stir the pot. You end up with a vanilla, mediocre, forgettable wedding.
And really, that’s a metaphor for life.
The real cost of going vanilla: is your wedding becomes like all the others. Forgettable.
The first time you got a bit tipsy it was great – by the time you’re 35 you couldn’t care less. The novelty is gone.
The first time you pulled an all-nighter to meet a deadline – it felt like a heroic effort. Do it enough times, it all blurs into one.
Now not everyone goes to as many weddings as me, sure. And yet, even for me there can be things that anchor a particular couple or wedding in my mind.
And common denominator was they made it THEM
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not a cookie-cutter plug-and-play
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not the same old script
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not walking down the aisle to “Can’t Help Falling In Love”
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not signing the registry to Ed Sheeran
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not walking into the reception to Bruno Mar’s “Marry You”
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not Dad waffling on during his speech
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not the best-man holding the mic like a beer pretending like he only got asked to speak yesterday
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not cutting an overpriced cake that you don’t care about or end up eating
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not Gimme Gimme Gimme and Mr Brightside
It all works, and that’s why it’s common & cliche. Plain. Vanilla.
Instead, have spice. A vibe. A memory.
Vibe is a culmination of things.
It’s the:
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soundtrack of the entrance
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Enthusiasm and playfulness of the MC
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aesthetic of the decor
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feng shui of the room
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tone of the speeches
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demeanour of the guests
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pre-dancefloor energy and anticipation
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song you never expected to hear but hit the spot
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movie-like exit as you leave the reception
It all matters, but I say that not to overwhelm you.
I want to give you a framework for creating magic – novel, personal and unique moments that stick with you for life.
Better decisions, fewer regrets.
Making it memorable, starts with working out what YOU want.
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Unique memorable moments (a photograph, a song, an entrance, a personal vow, a dance)
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A stress-free wedding day (plan and then let it go and be what it is, nothing ever goes exactly to plan, and it doesn’t have to)
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A wedding day other people will give you compliments on
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Guests to have fun & a 10/10 experience
So how do you manage the people-pleasing side of things?
How do you move past the “should do’s” and “have to’s”?
Simple. Do the following…
3 Steps To Planning A Better Wedding Day
1. Rank what’s important
Create a table with a couple of columns
a) Everything we MUST do (challenge this)
b) Everything “they” want
c) Everything we want
I don’t know who your “they” is. It could be:
– Your mum & dad
– Your church
– Your cultural & societal norms
– Your friends
– Your wedding vendors & venue
These people are often important to you, that’s fine but make a list of all these points of contention.
Then in order of priority rank everything you wrote down on a new list. This is where you get ruthless and prioritise. Someone needs to get let down. You or them.
Now you know what your priorities are.
2. Trim the fat
Which ideas or people can you “un-invite”?
Having less things that ‘have to happen’ make the day a whole lot less stressful. If there’s value in keeping it, then keep it.
3. Envision your day
Draft up your runsheet for the day, then run through everything that will happen in your mind.
What’s missing, what can rearranged, what has to go? Is it too cluttered? Can we start earlier?
Challenge everything, but get advice:
An epic sunset photo, even if you leave the reception to get it, is worth it’s weight in gold. That’s the photo you’ll frame on your wall.
After all, that 15 minutes of golden hour is at least 50% of the reason why you hired that photographer.
Here’s a rough example runsheet:
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3pm – Guests Arrive for Ceremony
3:30pm – Ceremony Starts
4pm – Family Photos, Drinks & Canapés
5pm – Photoshoot
6pm – Guests enter Reception
6:30pm – Bridal Party Entrance & House Keeping
6:45pm – Entree’s
7:15pm – Speeches
7:40pm – Mains
8:10pm – Scavenger Hunt Game
8:30pm – First Dance(s) into Open Dance-floor
11:30pm – Bar Closes
11:50pm – Bride & Groom Exit
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Once you’ve laid this out, consider the vibe we spoke about before.
Think about where you can add spice to make things memorable.
For example, the Scavenger Hunt can be fun and create a lot of energy in the room if it doesn’t drag. The sparkler or tunnel exit can be epic and give you a video to playback a bunch of times.
Your day CAN be a beautiful mosaic.
A composition of lots of little things. Each element with your unique flavour and signature. A day, and a night that you and your guests will remember for years to come.
Cut corners, people-please, go stingy on important pieces. And you’ll be left with regret.
I’ve lost count of how many people have told me that they regret X,Y,Z about their wedding. They spent way too much on things that didn’t matter, or they didn’t spend enough on what did. Like getting a nervous friend to MC or a budget DJ…
Most people aren’t honest either – no one wants to admit what they had sucked or could’ve been way better. People love to downplay their failures and exaggerate their wins – it’s a cope.
We rationalise away our mistakes and make excuses for mediocrity and vanilla life.
Yet it’s a choice.
And when other people play-it-safe and do what we did. It makes us feel better, because then at least we aren’t alone in our mistake.
People love to trauma bond, whinge and complain about their shared woes. But it’s not a great foundation for a happy or fulfilling friendship or life.
Imagine 5 years from now…
You’re at a younger friend’s wedding which is everything you wished your’s could’ve been.
Do what they did.
That’s an mental exercise worth doing today, not after the fact.
Remember the 3 step framework, it will help.
1. Rank what’s important
2. Trim the fat
3. Envision your day
See what you end up with. Then repeat those three steps until you start getting excited thinking about it.
And if you like vanilla, go for it, but at least make it your brand of vanilla.
But don’t live with the weight of regret.
Look, it’s just a day …but it’s a big one.
And you don’t get do-overs.
I’ve seen it all too much.
Memorable vs Forgettable comes down to one thing:
Better decisions, fewer regrets.
And let’s be honest, this article is not only about weddings. It’s about learning how to be a more courageous YOU and not live bound to a vanilla life.
– Curtis Butcher
P.S. If you resonated with this article, and want to work with a DJ and MC host who “gets it”. Then let’s have a chat about your day and see if we’re a good fit. Enquire here.
